duskpeterson: An apprentice builds a boat as a man looks on. (Default)
[personal profile] duskpeterson
So, eleven years ago, when I first began to suspect I was grey-asexual, I posted about my asexual character Merrick at the main asexual forum.

It didn't go well.

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/20059-life-prison-fantasy-story-w-asexual-character/

Rereading that thread, I'm not sure why I writhed from the comments, except that . . . Well, read on.

So I mostly avoided the asexual community from then on. Fast forward to 2017, when yes, I'm sure now that I'm grey-asexual. So I got up my courage and mentioned Merrick to another asexual person.

It didn't go well.

https://mobile.twitter.com/duskpeterson/status/911342888272912384

Subthread:

https://mobile.twitter.com/duskpeterson/status/911418499800629249

Afterwards, I tried to beat back my tears by reciting to myself the valuable mantra, "It's not about you. It's not about you. You're the one who offended, so don't make this about you."

Still . . .

I wish I wasn't so darned sensitive during the coming-out stage. I went through this when I came out as bi, I went through this when I came out as nonbinary, and now I have to go through it *again*, this feeling that I'm not a proper [insert category] till I've been welcomed into the [insert category] community. (This isn't pure paranoia. My nonbinary coming-out experience in the gay/lesbian/bi community and trans community was a horror story.) And so, if I encounter even the slightest sign that I'm not 100% accepted, I curl up into a ball and whimper.

So basically, I could use a few "Yay, you're asexual!" comments from you kind folks.

Date: 2017-09-23 05:50 am (UTC)
firecat: red panda looking happy (Default)
From: [personal profile] firecat
Yay, you're asexual!

Also, I'm bi and nonbinary and maybe gray-a (haven't made up my mind about that) and yeah, the coming-out stuff you're talking about sucks.

Date: 2017-09-23 07:53 am (UTC)
From: [personal profile] ambitiousace
Yay, you're asexual!! (sends love and cake/pie/delicious treat of choice)

I feel you so much - I'm nonbinary and ace myself ((I'm not alone, one of my favorite writers is like me!!! aaah this means so much)) - you are a much braver person than me for trying to connect to strangers, and I am very, very sad that that has not gone well for you several times now.

You are accepted, you are valued, and you are loved. <3

Date: 2017-09-23 08:37 am (UTC)
kjata: (his thurifers; like trained monkeys)
From: [personal profile] kjata
Saw their icon and went "oh that looks familiar...." then poked around their twitter to see who they were interacting with, and yep. They're part of a twitter clique that likes to be edgy and dogpile the ridicule on people; so in this particular case you're not special, you're just another opportunity for them to feel superior. Sorry ):

If you're asexual then you're asexual, don't let someone on the internet make you question that or if you have a right to be a part of the community. I'm bi and have never felt a part of the LGBT parts of the internet because of how many times I've been told to either A) choose, or B) that I'm faking it for e-points, but tbh they have no right to say that to me so screw them. Screw that person for belittling you. Screw them all. (Or don't, rather.)

Date: 2017-09-23 10:29 am (UTC)
schneefink: (A:tla group hug)
From: [personal profile] schneefink
Yay, you're asexual!
Coming-out can suck so much, no wonder you're sensitive, especially since you've already had bad experiences. *sends cookies*

Yay, you're asexual!

Date: 2017-09-23 11:45 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
But much more important to me that your are Dusk, a great author and a nice person and (I hope) my web-pal.
And you sure 100% belong to the community of your readers and fans, which is not a small one, and (I believe) consists of a good people.

Rose Red

Date: 2017-09-23 12:26 pm (UTC)
fawatson: (butterflies)
From: [personal profile] fawatson
Yay, you're asexual!

IGNORE THEM!!!!

Their comments show they're the ones with problems not you. You're comments are polite (probably more than I would have been and I have a 'thing' about how people ought to be polite).

Of course, I say all this from the 'lofty position' of having realised many many moons ago (long before the internet got up and running) that I am better off as a singleton than trying to be part of a duo.... They didn't have internet communities for it back then, which, as I read those comments, I was thankful for (though it did have its downsides at the time).

Coming out can be a pain....

Date: 2017-09-23 02:37 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Hey, I'm also Asexual! Yay, you are too! I am also aromantic, and demi-girl/agender. Just want to say, it sucks that people haven't been supportive of you coming out. I have been lucky enough to have people who, even if they don't get it, will let me do my own thing, and I made a bunch of asexual friends over the years, AND I am not a writer who is coming out to a bunch of people I don't know, so I have had it better than you in a lot of ways. I'd say you definitely have the deck stacked against you there, but there are people out there who aren't like that! People who relate! People who get it! People who, even if they don't get it, will just say "you do you" and talk about something you both get instead. It's just that those people tend not to comment as often as people who think you are WRONG and NEED TO BE CORRECTED. Those assholes will always speak up, so the world always seems a bit more against you than it actually is.

Date: 2017-09-24 11:26 pm (UTC)
musicman: (Default)
From: [personal profile] musicman
Dear friend. You are totally accepted by me as asexual. Regardless of what color you ascribe to it, you are uniquely you. As with at lest one other friend, the trouble comes when you ascribe a label to yourself. You are a free range human being, Dusk. Glad to know you. Be well!

Date: 2017-09-26 06:33 pm (UTC)
anais_pf: (Default)
From: [personal profile] anais_pf
BE YOU!

Date: 2017-10-01 04:17 am (UTC)
maureenlycaon_dw: picture of gold-framed opal heart (comfort)
From: [personal profile] maureenlycaon_dw
Yay, you're asexual! And I accept you totally as that.

Fuck the trolls. Or unfuck them. Or whatever. They just suck as human beings.

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